Confessional Interview
To look at me and Abi, laughing and chatting, anyone would think we were mother and daughter, however you would be mistaken. Despite my closeness to this bright and beautiful young woman, we are not related. Our relationship only began 5 years ago through the death of my 26-year-old-son Russell. I lost my son but have gained a daughter.
A parent can never prepare themselves for the moment they are told their child has passed away. I’ll never forget the day I was told about Russell’s accident. I had just arrived home from work when my daughter phoned to tell me he had collapsed whilst helping a friend move house and that he had been taken to hospital. We all didn’t realise the extent of what had happened to him, just thinking he had fainted and that the hospital would simply check him over. My first thoughts were that if he had had a black out, they would stop him from driving. Russell’s life was driving and all I could think about was how mad he would get if he couldn’t drive. We sat outside the room, waiting to hear how he was doing and when he could come home. Never expecting the news that followed.
Later on that evening, the doctor came through the door to tell me there was nothing more they could do for my son. I stood in shock. I kept repeating ‘you can’t be talking about my son, not my boy’. That feeling is something you can never imagine, from thinking your son has had a small accident to hearing those words that this was the end. In the midst of our grief and shock the doctor asked us: ‘Would you consider donating Russell’s organs?’ Within the space of 2 minutes, my world had been turned upside down. The last thing on my mind was giving away anything related to my precious son.
The doctor told us to take some time to think about it. I’ve always been a blood donor and also have a friend who’s daughter was looking for a heart and lung transplant. Those thoughts flashed through my mind at that time, and I thought, we can’t waste his life. The question arose ‘If an organ could save Russell’s life, would we take it?’ The answer was undeniably yes, and we as a family decided that it was the right thing to do. I knew deep in my heart it would be what Russell would have wanted.
Once we notified the doctors on our decision, we got to say our final goodbyes to Russell. As I gave my son a hug and kiss for the last time, all I could think was this isn’t the way it should be. It shouldn’t be your child who goes before you, it’s not right. In the weeks that followed we were all in some sort of limbo. The world is passing you by and your in this capsule of grief, not remembering what normal feels like. You spend hours, days, weeks, doing whatever possible to escape from that terrible reality that is now your life. The grief was simply overwhelming.
Russell had the most wonderful sense of humour, his smile could light up a room. Now his future had been taken and a giant hole had been left in all our lives.
The only glimmer of happiness lay in the idea that 4 people had survived, due to Russell. I sent a sunflower card at Christmas to each of the organ recipients, telling them some information about Russell. I often wondered who they were but it wasn’t until a few months had passed that I got a call from a transplant co-ordinator to say that had a letter for me. The letter was from a man who had received a part of Russell’s liver. At first I was angry to hear that this man was an alcoholic. I thought of my son who had been taken through no fault of his own, then this man who had damaged himself due to drinking. However when I read on, he told me that he would never waste Russell’s life and he can’t thank me enough for this blessing. Since then, he sends me a card every mothers day. It’s a strange feeling. In some ways you feel happy, that you have people reaching out and thanking you. Yet at the same time, all I wanted was my son back.
A few months later I received another letter from a young girl who had another part of Russell’s liver. They wrote to me to say that she had had the operation and that she was doing fine. The letter carried on, stating how they couldn’t thank me enough for this incredible gift and that she would like to meet me. Weeks later the date was set and my apprehension was sky high. But Abi and her family immediately put me at ease. Abi put her arms around me and thanked me for everything we had done and we all started to cry. When our tears were falling I noticed she had blue eyes, the exact same colour as Russell’s and I felt like I had part of my son back with me.
Abi, who was only 13 years old when she received part of Russell’s liver, was born with chronic liver disease and had been waiting 2 years for a transplant. It was an incredible feeling to know that despite the torment and grief our family went through, we helped another family not have the same fate. As we said goodbye, it could have ended there but Abi wanted to stay in touch. During the following months, our relationship flourished. In May last year Abi was bridesmaid at my daughter Claire’s wedding. As I watched my daughter and Abi standing together smiling, they both looked so beautiful and if you didn’t know, you would think they were sisters. The night before the wedding Abi stayed at our house. I asked her ‘how do you feel staying in Russell’s home?’ She replied ‘it feels so natural, like It’s my home’. Some may think that strange, but to me, it was comforting. To this day it still gives me that bittersweet feeling, this beautiful young lady got a second chance - thanks to Russell.
The transplant has allowed her to live a normal teenage life, one which she deserves. Abi’s parents have since had a baby and my daughter and I are godparents to the little girl. You really couldn’t write this story and when I think back to that dark time, I never thought I’d see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, thanks to Abi, I have hope. The bond we have is unbelievable and through her, part of Russell is living on. My hope is that one day she will go on to have a family of her own and the chain will keep going.
We both feel passionately about organ donation and because of this journey, I have since given talks, raised money and am an ambassador for organ donation. On Abi’s 18th birthday I received a picture of her, as I looked at her I smiled fondly. It was incredible to see the change from the extremely poorly girl 4 years ago to the healthy and stunning girl I saw before me. While each day my heart aches for my son, I know that thanks to him, 4 people have been given another chance at life.
A message from Abi
‘The whole experience for me has been a pleasant one, I never had any major worries about having a transplant, I was just excited to get my life back! I always wanted to thank my donors family and to be as close as I am with them now is amazing! I'm so glad that I have Pauline and her family in my life. I just wish it was under better circumstances. Organ donation is so important. Not enough people no about it and the amazing transformation it can have on someone's life. I've been shocked myself how much it helps when my friends have received there transplants. I think anyone considering signing up for organ donation should go for it as it's an amazing thing to do and can dramatically change someone’s life.’
Organ donation in the UK
Every year 1,000 people die waiting for a transplant. However, only 4% of people regularly give blood, and only 31% of us have joined the Organ Donor Register.
Registering to become a donor is a personal decision. You can join at any age, but until you are 18 (16 in Scotland) you need consent from a guardian.
Roughly 18 people die each day waiting for transplants.
visit organdonation.nhs.uk for more information
By Pauline Holmes
As told to Georgia Spears
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